Sunday, May 30, 2010

Farewell

Here we are at the end of another year, of another era, of another time. It’s the end of a grade, of [life at] a school, and even of some acquaintanceships, as we are splitting and moving in different directions. In a way, it’s not only an end of all that, but also an end of a part of our lives--for high school is when we have to start making choices for (although I hate to say it) our futures; the end of careless freedom.


It’s funny to sit here and look in both directions: to the past and far to the future. It’s funny to remember how it was when I was half my age now, in second grade, before most of the things that make me who I am had happened--and a little further on, in third grade, trying to make sense of my new place in things in Spectrum--fourth grade, learning about writing and about who my friends are--fifth, trying to reorient (and perhaps I made the wrong choice, but what’s there to do?) “for my better survival in junior high”--sixth, just trying to balance things out…

And then it’s funny to think about 15 years from now, when I’ll be double my age, in my 30s. I wonder will I have figured things out then? And what’s in store between here and there? What will come in the murky depths of the future?

No one can answer that question just now. There is only to wait and hope. But this is a farewell, and all farewells are bittersweet. And every ending must know itself, however hard it is.

There are things I’d like to say, but can’t put into words. The quest of a writer, though, is to try--and so I will. I’d like to say how glad I am that I’ve been here, how glad I am that I’ve done everything I’ve done, and how, even when I felt like it was pointless, I think it turned out well in the end. I want to say how sorry I am that there are people I may never see again, and I want to say that I love you all anyway. I want to say that even though things are ending, they were worth it…I want to say that I have hope for what will happen in the future and that I

And to Mr. T, I wanted to say thanks for everything--the encouragement, the challenge, the random discussions. This year has been amazing in many ways, and I’m…proud of it. Of everything that’s happened. I’ve learned a lot, realized a lot, and I hope some of that will stay with me. Only time will tell.

And so it’s goodbye to another year and another time. Someday I’ll look back on this and wonder what I was thinking, and someday I’ll look back on it with a feeling of reconciliation. Every ending must be understood and every path must be come to terms with…and so it will. Farewell…
 
(PS I got distracted, so it falls apart a bit...)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Satisfaction

Triumph is sweet. After 8 months of training, stress, mixed bouts of elation and depression, we’ve gone there and back again from the National Science Olympiad. And we have done all we needed to. After all the time and pain and struggle, we have TRIUMPHED!
2nd place in Bio-Process Lab. FINALLY I’ve earned more than a bronze-colored medal. And it’s absolutely beautiful. And that’s not even mentioning the stunning 5th place in Solar System, a sweet reward after the misery-creating 7th place (one off from medaling) in Reach for the Stars last year. No one who saw us could say that it doesn’t pay off, because it really truly does. Although I didn’t do as well as I wanted to in my other events, I reckon it doesn’t matter. I did my best (although I still think we could have gotten gold in Bio-Process. >> That was my fault for starting at the station just after the microscopes…).
And anyway, it was an amazing trip after all. The sheer smell of the Hershey store might have been enough…but then there was the American Girl store with the creepy look-a-like dolls, the staying up late to talk about philosophical/theological topics with one of my best friends, the amusement of the plane ride home (aka sitting behind a lady with the worst case of BO known to mankind and doing all the things we could to circumvent the terrible smell, including concocting a potent smelling potion), staying up late the other night to be entertained by boys…not to mention the 8th grader Hawaiian and my teammate. :P Now that was a picture.

And then there was everything else. There were the screams of stunned joy as we medaled in Solar System and Write It/Do It. There was the frustration of the mousetraps’ failure in Junkyard Challenge. There was the baking heat of Chicago and the pouring rain we returned to. There was the red-bricked campus and the skyscrapers of the city. Did I mention the Cheesecake Factory (best ever!) and my birthday? Or the Museum of Science and Industry and the Fairy Castle? Absolutely stunning.

Mentioning that fairy castle, I wanted to give a few words on it. Let me just say this--it is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. In the entire museum, after coming out from that room everything else looked bland. That is something that’s truly enchanting. The carefully crafted structures, the beauty, the stories it ties to, and the way things are thought out are poignant and touching. If you get a chance, look it up sometime. It’s amazing.

Anyway, moving on. I’m glad, in the end, after all of this that this happened. Even though sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it, I always know in the end that it is. Maybe it’s like that in life too. Perhaps there’ll be a resolution after the long dark years in the night. We can hope. We can dream. And we can trust. <333333333 to my partners and my teammates--GO FALCONS!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Trepidation

Sometimes a realization comes as a shock--just hits you. Sometimes it creeps up on you for a long time before you can finally face it. Well...just like this. Nationals...is next week. We are LEAVING in six days!

And then you suddenly start panicking...

"I am up to the ends of my hair in homework!" says my partner for the triumph, and I wholeheartedly agree. Not only am I worrying about not being ready for Olympiad itself, missing three days of school at the end of the term is a real pain. It forces everything else to get pushed together...rather like the Doppler effect, with it being compressed on this side of Wednesday and rarefied on the opposite side of it. I find it especially convenient that I can rant about my homework while doing it...or some form of it...though.

I can't help looking forward to next weekend. Nationals really is the best ever--5 days with some of your favorite people in the world (well, and maybe a certain person you'd really rather not see...certain readers will know I mean "YKW"), doing all sorts of things you love. I have a feeling that this Nationals trip is going to be better than ever before. Although I've been like a horse digging its heels in, trying (hopelessly, of course, for no one really can) to slow the flow of time, I find myself in an odd sort of peace once more. Once again I've done all I can, and then it'll just be up to the very day of to see what shall happen to all of us.

Still, I'd have to say that trepidation is a good word for my feelings at the moment. My events are such that I actually do have several chances at medals--namely Bio-Process Lab, Solar System, and Experimental Design--and as it's my last year in which going to Nationals is a (almost) certainty. If I don't make something of this chance, then a lot of people (including myself) are going to be very disappointed.

In fact, the worst feeling is that you haven't done anything. This year I'm not really sure what I've accomplished--and this is my last chance for something big this year. It feels like so much hinges on this--even though it's something that we usually don't worry about, just do because it's so much fun. I'm not sure whether my fears or worries are founded or pointless, or whether I should be trying more, or if I'm doing something completely wrong...

Isn't indecision such a funny thing? Or the feeling like you should be doing something but don't know what? There's that old saying about the only thing certain in life being uncertainty (although that's a bit of a contradictory statement in itself). I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing, and if it's better to be so confident in something or to expect something bad to happen? Is it better for the outcome? Or your feelings after it? We'll see after next week...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Thoughts

If time were to stop for a day, and everything in the universe were arrested in place, would we even notice? I guess not. Isn’t that an odd thought? Who knows—maybe there are times where everything is arrested and we don’t know.


Now, now, I know you’re going to be on my case for the ridiculous unlikeliness of this. But wouldn’t that be interesting if it were to happen? In any case, that’s how you need to think if you want to be…a good writer? An imaginative person?

Maybe someone who wants to change the world?

I wonder what the people who turn out to be so amazing think early on. I wonder if they start out with wonderful intentions in mind, or if they start out for themselves. Does it make a difference, whether you do something for yourself or for others? I’d like to say it does, but sometimes I wonder.

Most of all I wonder about writers. Everyone dreams their writing will be a best-seller, I think. I wonder how it comes to them, really, the amazing ideas that turn out to be so much, even a form of sustenance! I know that many writers have their own sites where they try and tell these things, but sometimes I wonder if it can be explained.

I wish that were me. Writing is something I’d love to do—maybe that I’m more passionate about than other things. My mind’s always been rather active, as certain readers will know—all through elementary school, lying in bed at night, trying to bring myself away from reality. Maybe it’s not the best idea—after all, they always talk about facing things, but sometimes there’s only so much you can do. And sometimes it’s just nice to get away.

Books have always intrigued me. I was taught to read at the age of 4, and I loved it at once. According to my mother, I was always the better one with words in our family (although you probably can’t notice it here--this is what happens when I get in a hurry!). And I’ve always been drawn to fantasy and science fiction (although I won’t deny there have been other periods—mystery books in the third grade, horse books like Heartland and Thoroughbred in about the 5th…) because they had so much possibility for other things. You could create any kind of a world—even one in which time stopped for a day without anyone’s notice.

I’m writing a novel, of course, and I know that you can’t really just create anything. There are always rules to follow—and you’re not the creator, you find. You’re just the tool; the recorder; the historian. You see this world and what happens and you write it down for the rest of the world to find. I like to think that those worlds exist somewhere—books are the portals to reach them, and then your imagination can find what follows later.

So I wonder how the big writers feel? How is it, to write and discover every day of your life without having to go too far? That’s always been a dream of mine. Maybe someday…